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January 9, 2013
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(Contains: sexual themes and ideologically sensitive material)
Don’t break her; she’s fragile.


She’s been to Hell and back. Sometimes she believes she’s still there.

She’s had her trust broken over and over but still she trusts in everyone she meets; hopefully.

She’s felt the pain of heartbreak more times than such a young girl should.

She’s cried herself to sleep at night, the weight on her shoulders too much to bear any longer.

She’s full of hatred and self-loathing that boils under the surface.


She’s been raped and abused; defiled and ruined by men she shouldn’t have trusted but did.

She’s lost her husband, her best friend, the only father figure in her life.

She’s found herself in a life she didn’t plan; a life she didn’t want. She doesn’t know how.

She’s stuck; trapped; alone; helpless; abandoned; confused; terrified.

She’s not sure that she’ll ever feel better. She’s not sure she’ll ever escape these feelings.

She’s barely holding herself together.


She’ll give everything of herself to you if you’re lucky enough to be her friend.

She’ll trust you with her heart, with her body, with her mind.

She’ll do everything for you; like driving across the country to be with you when you’re sad.

She’ll fall in love with you and adore you.

She’ll treat you like you’re the centre of her universe because the few friends she has are.

She’ll give everything of herself to you and hope you won’t break her.


Please don’t break her; she’s fragile.
Just something personal.
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:iconja-mes:
It's quite difficult critiquing pieces which the writer has said are personal to them. I'm not sure if my opinions on the successes and flaws in this short work will offend you or not. I will try to be true to my feelings concerning the piece, but also as sensitive as I can be concerning any of your own thoughts, feelings, and emotions you've invested within it.

The pacing of the writing is good. You clearly understand sentence structure, and can communicate the story behind this character well: your grammatical knowledge is a benefit to your writing, not a drawback. Too often do we see writers on DeviantArt who require a wider vocabulary, or who need more practice with punctuation, and so limit themselves. No such problems exist here: you have gone for it. And for that I applaud you!

I like how the poem is spaced out. Having gaps between each line makes it easier to read, and subconsciously helped me take my time reading. It's a subtle thing, but I think it's significant.

Repeating the same sentence at the beginning and end of the piece gave the work a sense of coming full circle, as if you had explored every part of the character's mind - coming back to square one, as it were. I liked that a lot. As a reader, it gave me the feeling the character had held nothing back and been completely honest: no omissions honest.

Now for my suggestions as to how to improve this. I am little qualified to comment on the content itself, but I have noticed a few grammatical issues with the piece. Please note that I hold to my earlier statement: you clearly know your grammar well. Reading this is enough to convince me of that. My comments are on the more subjective elements of your choices of punctuation, things that other readers might not see.

Briefly: the impact of the same words being at the start of every line diminished as the work read on. It also detracted from the piece's originality - I've seen techniques like that before. You could have done something dramatically different for one line, impacting the reader further.

The main suggestion I have is about the consistency of your use of semi colons. In your main sentence, you use a semi colon perfectly well, balancing out the two main clauses:

Don't break her ; she's fragile.

That, I believe, is the main purpose of a semi colon. However, elsewhere in the piece, you use semi colons almost as a substitute for commas or colons (colons introduce the reader to the next clause, as opposed to balancing out both clauses in the sentence):

...still she trusts in everyone she meets; hopefully.

She’s been raped and abused; defiled and ruined by men

She’s stuck; trapped; alone; helpless; abandoned; confused; terrified.

I want to look at this last one more carefully. You introduce a list here. A colon introduces a list, not a semi colon. And the items on the list are separated by commas, not semi colons. Semi colons are only used in a list if the items in the list are more than one word.

For example, here's what I did today: I got up; I took the bus to campus; I spent all day trying to work a computer program that was confusing, pointless, and aggravating; and I then came home.

I guess, if there's any point to this, it's to reinforce the importance of knowing where's good to place appropriate bits of grammar. They are tools, and thus are most effective when used where and when they ought to be. Be sure to learn the apt places for semi colons through your reading. Having said that, with some punctuation, like semi colons, subjective reader interpretation does enter in a little, but the rules I specified above hold.

That might have been a little heavy. Let me assure you: I like this piece! It is emotive and well written, clearly influenced by personal experience. I hope, in some way, I have helped you view this piece with different eyes, for the sake of your writing's improvement.

All the best.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Apr 8, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hmm... this work has a certain thing to it that I cannot pinpoint. It has emotions, but they are displayed in a manner that is not as heart wrenching as they should be nor are they bland. I think it is the feeling of someone having experienced pain and having survived, telling others not to treat such people in a bad manner.

The message is positive and soft. It talks about the negatives of life however it does not put blame on anyone. It tells people that she will love you, that she is still softhearted and she is still fragile. So don't break her. A fine work.
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:iconaimeeraindrop:
AimeeRaindrop Apr 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for your kind comment on my work. I wrote this so long ago, when I was in such a dark place. I find it hard to reconcile it with the person I am today. 
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Apr 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You are very welcome. I understand that a person may look back and realize or perhaps wonder what sort of person one used to be. I am glad that you are no longer in such a dark place.
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:iconkmills95:
kmills95 Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is well done. Sad, but also... a flicker of hope that maybe he won't hurt her... that he can help her to heal. 

Hugs.
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:iconaimeeraindrop:
AimeeRaindrop Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :hug: 
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:iconkmills95:
kmills95 Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:hug:
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:icontabbyxthexcat:
TabbyxthexCat Feb 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for posting this. It's utterly beautiful.
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:iconaimeeraindrop:
AimeeRaindrop Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for reading!
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