Ohmygosh I haven't updated my journal in forever.
Things have been a bit rough, actually. My mood's been way down again. 4 weeks ago tomorrow I took an overdose of sleeping tablets and ended up in the hospital. It's surreal, actually, because I remember taking the pills then thinking "sh*t, what have I done?" and so going next door to my neighbours and then going into hospital the next town over. But I can't really remember what happened at the hospital. Must have been heavily sedated by the sleeping tablets!
Apparently at one point I ran off. Sounds like me! I hate hospitals >.< And I vaguely remember a nurse having to take blood from my hand because there were no obvious veins in my arms. And a young doctor asking me lots of questions about my mental health. But they let me go just after midnight and, apparently, we got a McDonald's on the way home then I crashed into bed and slept for about 24 hours. No kidding. Straight through. Maybe one toilet break. I was BLOTTO.
I succeeded in what I was really aiming for though; to get out of my head for a little while, to be NUMB. To not think about any f*cking thing else. And I didn't for nearly 24 hours. Bliss.
But I won't be doing it again. At least not for a while. The memory loss scared me, really shook me up. Even now, when I think back to it, it freaks me out that I can't remember that night or much of the next day.
So my mood's low. Not having a job isn't helping, but I know something will come along soon. And not having any friends locally sucks too. Although I've started going to church recently and I've made a few friends there, which is nice. I try to believe in God and be as good a Christian as I can be but sometimes...eh...I don't know. My faith ebbs and flows, I guess.
I'm reading, a lot. It's lovely weather here in the UK; glorious sunshine and high temps. Summer has arrived! So I'm taking the opportunity to sit out in the back garden under the parasol and look out on the lovely flower garden I planted whilst I read. It really does boost your mood, even if for a little while.
And I'm losing weight. Like, a lot of weight! It's so visible that my grandaddy noticed, and that's never happened before! I'm eating lighter meals because of the heat, cut out snacking and I've been exercising (even in this heat!): walking or cycling a couple of miles a day. And the weight is just dropping off me. I'm waiting for the plateau though, because I know the time will come when I'll have to work harder or eat less (if that's physically possible!) to keep it coming off. I'm so close to fitting into my aunt's size 16 jeans! The day when I finally can will be a great day. My mood feels better for the exercise and the weight loss too. I am finally starting to feel confident in my own skin and believe, some days but not every day yet, that I am beautiful.
So that's my news. Not much of a news, but it's not all doom and gloom so that's good I suppose!
How are all of you?